Ligers Pounce on Competition in Slugfest

It was one for the ages on Tuesday night.  The Ligers, previously winless during the regular season, came roaring out of the gate like a 6-cylinder Tim Lizzie to clobber the poor saps in the other dugout--the misappellated "Team of Destiny."  While the Ligers made some heads-up defensive plays, the real highlight of the night was the lineup, which churned out runs like ol' Dapper Duke Ellington churns out chart-topping hits.

The Ligers, as the visiting team, occupied the batter's box first, with two runs to show for it that inning.  After a scoreless first inning on the mound, due to the steady stream of sinking strikes thrown by Jeremy "Slick Willy" Wilson, the Ligers showed their mettle in the second inning, racking up five runs in eight at-bats.  Scotty "Skipper" Strickland pounded one into deep center, and "Tricky Dick McC" pounded in two runs with a stand-up three-bagger at the end of the inning.

In the fourth and fifth, the Ligers' gravy train stopped running, due to a change on the hill for the ill-named "Team of Destiny."  The ill-fated "ace" they put up on the hill fancied himself a regular Picasso, thinking he'd paint the plate the seams of his fastball.  The "control" that resulted in this star-crossed strategy was the namby-pamby decision to walk the male fence-hitters we had in the lineup.  This was probably the result of Dan "Liger Claws" Cowan htiting an at 'em ball right up the middle to Ol' Glass Arm (who naturally couldn't field it) and subsequently got on base--after which the Ligers launched another of his cupcakes into deep left.  But in spite of this tactic, William "Big Stick" Biggers had another plan.  Glass Arm wanted the Big Stick to dance the Charleston, but Biggers decided to go Jitterbug on him . . . and sent the next pitch to the moon.  Even though a rhubarb with the umpires resulted, Big Stick's tactic shattered the team's morale in what ended up being a total rout.

The Ligers play "Team Pharmacy" next, who no doubt will be trying to throw a curve-ball of a concoction at the play-by-the-book Ligers.  Let's hope they don't cook up any "juice" in their Bunsen burners before Monday.

Jackson Mabry is a freelance sports writer who lives in Chapel Hill, NC and Dallas, TX.  His work has appeared in Sports Illustrated, The Sporting News, The Weekly Standard, and The Atlantic.